Mayer Hawthorne DJ Set @ The Doctor’s Orders @ East Village 30.06.2011 – A muse by FJZ
I have only just got back from Barcelona after what felt like 10 days of no sleep so no doubt sleep was what I needed but I just could not, guess out of habit, close my beepers and consequently all I really wanted was something to do, especially at night, erm ¿where can you get any opium in London? so that I would not crawl up my room’s walls all night – a thought that filled me with dread and which brought drops of cold sweat to whichever part of my body I directed my attention to and so I was simply relieved and excited to be out and about with something concrete to do in my headlights, but when you first come across a massive dog that rather resembles He-man’s battle cat and then a graffiti saying “let’s adore and endure each other” before heading straight at a poster for ‘aussiebum’ extra comfy men’s hipster underwear (which comes, guess that’s what smashes all other underwear brands, as if, with free shipping worldwide) that had a sticker placed on the i-definitely-sold-my-soul-model’s crotch saying “my name is eyesaw” before last but not least having my eyes diverted to the left onto a van having “diaper poultry” written all over its side, all of which took place on the same street as the club I was going to, then you can most likely say it’s going to be a really good night init?
Well there’s a time and place for being humble but it ain’t here so hell yeah I had a mega night which to me felt as if I had skinny dipped in liquid gold and damn it did feel good although, let’s get that out of the way as it’s my only criticism, a 340mm bottle of beer, yup that’s not even a pint, was selling for four pounds, which in my eyes is a little steep especially when you have just returned from Barcelona where you got two beers and two tequilas for five Euros in one bar, and as give-and-take-caring-is-sharing-where’s-the-bloody-compromise-East-Village? Well I certainly like the number 3 as all good things come in 3, and 3 is the magic number etc but anyway on second sight it only brings to the fore how good a night it was as it did not stop people from storming the place like it was the ‘Bastille’ in the French revolution, and a revolution it was, of love? Possibly maybe, or at least I felt like an orphan that just got adopted and embraced with open arms by a big loving family with each member not just having one but two hearts and with dancing shoes programmed into their DNA and have I already mentioned that the night was called Doctor’s Orders? Nope? Which must mean that so far I have neither mentioned that I had returned from Barcelona like a wolf having a girl’s image imprinted on my eyes’ retina like an ink-free tattoo so you guessed it I was in love, though this long distance dilemma I was in made me howl with pain like a wolf too, but if there’s something like a temporary remedy for heartache then I had definitely found it because this night simply was it.
So ok deep down I did still miss her, especially as the night provided tons of possibilities to melt into each other’s eyes and arms given myriad evidence by all the couples around me that looked as if they would have gotten married immediately afterwards had it only been Vegas instead of London, but with the Holiday Inn being just around the corner they could not have wandered far afterwards and I bet good money that for the first time in Holiday Inn’s history in Hoxton it got fully booked out, but whatever, instead I simply hugged my friend Craig and jumped in the air with him so that certainly we must have resembled two baboons on acid, which at some point definitely got us worrying that we might get kicked out, but though the bouncers looked scary like the death squad, which I guess is part of their job description, they were nevertheless extremely friendly and easygoing and tolerated all this mayhem without even a flinch, but at the same time how could they not, considering they were part of it all and everything so that subsequently they must have felt the love and all the positive vibrations too, which in other words meant that in no way could they have wanted to destroy that, but anyway they were awesome, and as I’m already at it let me give a shout out to Mummy, the dude at the cloak room who was awesome too, and apropos awesome the longest I had to wait at the bar was probably a minute so the peeps behind the bar were awesome as well, and last but not least to start the night off I was greeted with a smile by the missus at the door which needlessly to say was the beginning to a frictionless waterslide-stylee night so she was awesome as well, and speaking of awesome what about the music?
To start the night off Budgie was playing lots of soul records and though I did dig every single tune of his, his name was certainly fitting like a fist on an eye as his tunes were sweet as honey like the song of a budgie in a post-apocalyptic scenery, if you only closed your eyes, but I have to admit that every time he switched tunes I felt like a page being crudely ripped out of a notebook, which at times I did find a bit irritating so that at some point I could not help but walk up to him to tell him so into his face, but he simply shrugged his shoulders and said “I’m just dropping them” which instantly had me accept defeat as you can’t argue with style, well it felt quite old-school and as they say respect your elders, especially as his tunes were banging. In any case he gradually filled the dance floor to the max and got the crowd all warmed up for DJ Haircut (Mayer Hawthorne) who in an attack of good old-school funky disco fever melted everybody into an organic mass of liquid red wax that was moving slowly back and forth and splashed around like glowing lava, well unfortunately I do not know enough about music, well I recognized a few songs such as Marvelletes’ Please Mr Postman but regardless, trust me I just know, especially when I feel like asking the DJs at almost every tune what they were playing, when it’s a massive night and it was massive with a big F particularly as at some point DJ Haircut went all world domination Detroit techno on us before I closed my eyes just to re-open and wake up to being teleported to South Compton as Spin Doctor had taken up his throne by the decks and brought some west coast hip hop into the mix, which evidently unleashed all remaining chains from our legs and got the crowd maniacally stomping on and exerting all their might and fury onto the floor, which by the end and I am saying that with the air of utter conviction must have had a few cracks more than before. All in all just what the doctor ordered.
Anyway, shizzle ma nizzle I had lost my camera in Barcelona, don’t ask, but certainly on this night it definitely had me shed a few tears at this missed opportunity of not being able to film and one day show my grand-kids how much fun I used to have, but I came across this footage of DJ Haircut aka Mayer Hawthorne djing at the Sweaterfunk night in San Francisco:
…. which only illustrates even more, in case you ever doubted or ceased to drink my clueless pretentious words like it was holy mead, that if you ever see one of his nights advertised then don’t think twice or be a lard ass and hesitate, just do it do it because you know it’s going to be sweet just like this song of his: